It never rains but it pours. Okay, right now it just never rains. It's been a steambath for two weeks already, the last couple of days worst of all. I'm living on iceberg lettuce and cucumber with thousand island dressing. I know, I know. But since I was a kid, that's what I crave when it hits 100. That and creamsicles, which for some reason feel colder than either vanilla ice cream or orange sherbet. Huh?

I'm getting distracted from the real thing I wanted to talk about, which was the huge uproar last weekend out in Bridgehampton. So I mentioned in my last post how Corey Lake was renting the house all summer. Well, he had a retreat going last week that was ending with a big open houseparty on the 4th. I was actually invited, but it depresses me to see the house so I said no and went to the barbecue Ed & Leonie were having at the winery, which was such a nice time and also turned out to be a damned good thing.

According to Corey who told Maggs who of course called me immediately, which was the only reason I knew what was going on when that reporter from NBC was sticking a mike under my nose, that one who lives out here and is always right on the spot when anything happens. According to Corey, then, what happened was that they'd just finished sun salutations and were meditating before breakfast when they heard a scream from the kitchen. The cook, who's some vegan Johnson Wales dropout who looks like she'd fall over in a stiff breeze, at least according to Maggs who got it from a friend who was there a couple of weeks ago, she comes running into the dining room shrieking her head off about a crazy-looking man who burst into kitchen and was going through the refrigerator. Well it happened that one of the retreaters (retreatees?) was Horst Morgenstern, who used to be "The Morningstar" for the WTF, so he and Corey, who picked up the bread knife from the table, go out to the kitchen and there's Simon. Gary's son Simon. Standing in front of the refrigerator with the door wide open, screaming "why isn't there any bacon!" and throwing food all over the floor. Morningstar wrestled him to the floor (I don't know what Corey thought he was going to do with a bread knife) and when he wouldn't quiet down but kept on screaming about "my house" and "that bitch whore," they tied him up with the sash from Corey's Happi coat and called the cops.

Apparently the girlfriend finally dumped him for some guy who had a better father. Simon never put a dime away all those years of course, and now he hasn't got a place to live, so in his twisted spoiled little mind, he decided to come "home" to the Hamptons. One of the women at the retreat said she'd noticed him sneaking around the garden the day before and the cops found some Subway wrappers and a gym bag in the wind break, so they think he must have been sleeping there. When he calmed down at the station, he told the social worker that I stole his father's money and was keeping it from him. I got this directly from the social worker, a very nice young man who showed up at my door like Joan of Arc and who had to have a tour of this luxurious Armpit mansion and a personal call with my own lawyer before he would believe my side of the story. But then he apologized very sweetly and suggested I'd maybe want to file a restraining order.

They tracked down Taylor in some town in Istria, which apparently is where he is now, as Simon’s next of kin, and Taylor called Sandy, their mother, who lives in a condo in Arizona with her 80 year old husband. Corey says as long as somebody comes to pick him up and get him far out of town, he won't press charges. I think it was kind of exciting for Corey, plus there was all that free publicity he got on the news. It didn't do Morgenstern any harm either. Maggs says Ken saw him interviewed and is thinking of testing him for a part in a 40-part Viking miniseries that he’s developing for HBO. I guess everyone’s happy except for Simon. I could almost feel sorry for him, except that he’s a total spoiled shit.

So that was what we had for fireworks for 4^th of July.

I have to go take another cold shower. The AC units in this house are pretty old and not all that great. I’m wondering how hard it would be to put in a few ceiling fans.